simple truths

I was told to come home but instead found myself as the hotel A very nice one, but one that apparently  expects too much from it's customers Don't get me wrong, rates are cheap service is great, and there's always a vacancy But they have this funny thing about not keeping reservations you set They still let you keep reserving the room But then charge you with wasting their time Not sure why the manager just can't get over it and get off my ass.

How could you!? How f-cking dare you! Trample on me, knowing what I've been through To let me trust you, to love you F-ck you, you don't deserve my love and never again will you have my trust To behold me, quivering against the breathe of this world You touched me, your eyes pierced through me and I felt your light and love heal me, Then POP! a f-cking slap in the face. HaHa, you were kidding or lying, or changed your mind Whatever the f-ck your problem is It's not mine anymore You want space, yet you begged me to come back WHY!?  So you could have some little bitch on the side to play with like a dollar store toy. Fun, cheap, easy to get But who cares if it gets broken Sure as f-ck not you! I was willing to listen and care and give you what you needed with no complaints But you had to toss me aside with no regard and now I sit here, alone and broken Broken again. F-ck you! How dare you!? and good riddance.

How can such deep connections be broken so sharply Where once stood strong roots, now a blowing twig in the breeze Do the roots still lie under the surface Like a mother's roots remain within her infant's belly Long after their ties were cut Are these roots of use, can we still grow from them Or do they just leave a permanent mark of our humanity One that proves our dependence and survival all in one To live for relationships knowing to trust means to fall To live for connections knowing they are never tangible Means to be as the twig, plant your roots but be ready to fly What the twig holds that roots do not, is the bud Roots may only become deeper where they stand Only through painful transplantation can they try to start again But the bud, upon a floating twig can start anew Wherever the wind may place it.

Fear, anger- that familiar knot in my gut The knot I'm hopeless to undo That burns and rubs against it's own fibers but never the satisfaction of a flame Words that don't exist choke up inside my throat My tongue begging for reprieve from my silent angst My body tugs at itself looking for escape My hands reach for something to fix, But what's been broken is intangible and unfixable To scream, to sing To build and move To be freed from my prison Ah, what sweet relief that would be Instead I fear I will sit here in my cell and continue to eat my poison because it's all there is to take One day however, after enough dreams toward peace I will breathe, and feel that knot release That breath will feel like the first To appreciate something so life giving That never existed in my world before.

This is me, now who will I be I've struggled and fought, yet life was still handed to me I was dealt a crooked hand and have been what I am but now who will I be I have a right to passage That was handed to me but nothing else will be I take a stance wherever I stand Decisions or no, Fight or flow I still am who I am, and who I will be This is me and I know, like I know, like I know That I will decide who to be.

The rain is black and soggy and my heart is drenched and dripping Flooding the lives of those I love I didn't mean to be this way I thought I was more More than a dark puddle of conciousness Weary and flat from my own attacks I thought I had more to offer but the rain had washed it away I held in my hands, the red, white and blue ideals but let them float away So I could reach my greatness my destiny, myself I didn't know myself, and what I see now is pain Unreached potential, unfulfilled dreams an unraised child looking for a home But I have no home, so I must build One stick, one brick, one stone at a time. And hope, that as I build, by the grace of god my home will not be washed away by the rain.

 I am going to set my anchor. I will NOT be swept away any longer by the currents and tides created by the people in my life. It is my right to stand steady in my own waters. A day will come when storms will blow in for others, just as they have now for me. However this time I will not go diving in the raging waters heart first. I will wait steadily by there side, remaining a safe place to rest, not needing to be their lifeline. I must be sure I secure myself, because as I see it, the world is now encountering a storm of unseen proportions. We should each take heed of clouds brewing in our course. This is the time to create a safety net for our families; before the time of necessity hits. We may each find ourselves floating alone in our world, with nothing but our families. I will make sure mine can find safe shores. This is where I am setting my anchor.