What Do You Say

As I raise three children on my own, my daily vocabulary consists of "No," "Bring that here," "Put that down," and "What do you say?"

No one inquires how I am feeling, or what my plans are. No one offers to assist with the daily chores. No one discusses the world events or local news. My lips stay sealed, my stare remains distant. 

The occasional friendly call seems to always close with a sigh- I just have nothing to talk about. People ask, "What you been up to?" I wish I had something to share. Something to bubble up into friendly chatter. But my new refrigerator just doesn't carry any conversational weight, nor does the pile of laundry waiting to be folded.

My future plans and ambitions don't glitter against this backdrop. They seem like the fairy tales I read, cute and fantastical. Ridiculous because what is a goal for tomorrow when I can't even complete the tasks for today, the simple ones. And if I did, WHO CARES? No one. 

Sometimes I want to just SCREAM. I want this box around me to shatter, the air inside to explode. I want these tears to fall hot for a purpose, instead they run cold down my cheek. 

My screams are not aloud, but rather deafening inside. I go to open my mouth because I should say something right? But, "No," "Bring that here," "Put that down," and besides, "What do you say?"

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