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Showing posts from February, 2012

Calgon...Take me away!

Escape, or even just a moments relief from the insanity, that can at times be our lives, is necessary. Some people drink to escape, some people smoke to escape, others may never escape and instead inprison themselves in the torturous doldrums of everday life. Others find healthy ways to break from the chaos, or monotony, and find bliss in a peaceful moment. Calgon had it right...Take me Away! Even if it's just to the bathtub for a warm moment of solitude. The muslims might have a good thing going with their three prayers a day- imagine ~ no matter what crazy shit was happening, three times a day you pull out your rug and just pray ~  A cup of tea and a good book, a new field planted in FarmVille...whatever! Don't deny yourself the right to escape. Just don't run away too far or for too long :)

My mama always said...

"You should be a writer." Well according to my mother I could also have been the first female president (missed that boat by about 14 yrs..lol), a lawyer, a doctor, etc. etc. She really has pushed the writing though. Buying me books on how to get books published (that book must have been easy to get published..lol), signing me up for Writers Digest magazine and bringing up a career in it every time I wrote anything more than a sentence.  Problem being, I don’t know what the hell to write about. It’s not that I don’t enjoy it. It’s not that I have no talent in it. It’s not even that I don’t have the time for it. I simply have no inspiration. Now I know a lot about a lot, but have not mastered any one thing enough to say "I’m the expert, now read my book." I have a whole plethora of opinions, but then again don’t we all.  I have my life story, which could definitely have a book written about it, but we all have our stories and to rehash it all for the sake of b

Writing for Action

Writing doesn't change a thing It lets me scream It lets me sing but really, it doesn't change a thing Lists unchecked and charts unfilled piles of journals filled with words that can't be killed My tongue is dry and my hand is cramped I'm tired but listless and still I can't I still can't write to make a difference I still can't write to meet indifference I still can't write to make others see Because all these words were only for me My own satisfaction My own voice to sing All my living breathing words will never change a thing.

Maybes Always Fail

Seal the deal Close the sale Yes or No tonight sir maybes always fail Asking the questions assuming the sale Hearing the answers but maybes always fail Unlike horseshoes and handgrenades where almost sometimes count Failure is surely where maybe will surrmount So before I pack the bag and let this go Sir, I'll have to ask you for a Yes or No Yes, a no will cost you Maybe a maybe if free But without a yes from you tonight I may just have to let you be

Watch of God

Paved roads and planted trees Carved stones and boxed flowers Pathetic miniatures of our sun, once a god, now a cold steel mockery, line the way to our destiniation Our massive crawling sprawling race bustling together to be on time On time, in place, ready to go As if we knew of tomorrow As if the morning star would lead the way We build our plastic castles and breed our fiberglass mares We trample the unconcious earth deaf to our mother's screams the hum of our new sun has drown her out However, inside the painted portrait of we, the civilized gods in suit lies a sleepy, if not dormant beast Dreaming to ride the rythms of the tides and to sleep by the watch of god.

Meaning of Love

What does love mean to you, please explain Love is a steady rock. A promise made not with words, but through loving actions. To be that person's lightpost when lost Love is unwavering, undeniable,  and understanding It will fight for itself Even to the surprise of those  who think they can arrogantly defeat it Love is wanting for the other and their needs as much as you want for your own It is knowing the person is worth more than the point To give way for the sake of the other is love not cowardess Love is accepting you are not each other and never asking the other to become, only to be Love is always abundant, always accessible and always receptive to itself.

Empty Box

Damaged goods is what they call us The poor little dears of the world Twisted and molded and pounded like dough to rise and become an image  of what could have been Grasping desperately  for that small thread of security In self and in others That small thread  that will remain so elusive Always slightly discontented Not knowing for sure what others want or need  or where you'll go Maybe it's better to let go than to arrive To be and not to become Is that the question? The answer is in the final product It's not what we became, it's who we are.

Lost

Scream into a pillow it's no ones fault but your own Let the sream fade with no satisfaction, no action no more passion Just defeat But wait! A glimpse of the sun and there she runs Feet to the street But the map is at home. Home? Isn't that where you were going?

Hotel Rochelle

I was told to come home but instead found myself as the hotel A very nice one, but one that apparently  expects too much from it's customers Don't get me wrong, rates are cheap service is great, and there's always a vacancy But they have this funny thing about not keeping reservations you set They still let you keep reserving the room But then charge you with wasting their time Not sure why the manager just can't get over it and get off my ass.

Seething F--king Rage

How could you!? How f-cking dare you! Trample on me, knowing what I've been through To let me trust you, to love you F-ck you, you don't deserve my love and never again will you have my trust To behold me, quivering against the breathe of this world You touched me, your eyes pierced through me and I felt your light and love heal me, Then POP! a f-cking slap in the face. HaHa, you were kidding or lying, or changed your mind Whatever the f-ck your problem is It's not mine anymore You want space, yet you begged me to come back WHY!?  So you could have some little bitch on the side to play with like a dollar store toy. Fun, cheap, easy to get But who cares if it gets broken Sure as f-ck not you! I was willing to listen and care and give you what you needed with no complaints But you had to toss me aside with no regard and now I sit here, alone and broken Broken again. F-ck you! How dare you!? and good riddance.

Beginnings

How can such deep connections be broken so sharply Where once stood strong roots, now a blowing twig in the breeze Do the roots still lie under the surface Like a mother's roots remain within her infant's belly Long after their ties were cut Are these roots of use, can we still grow from them Or do they just leave a permanent mark of our humanity One that proves our dependence and survival all in one To live for relationships knowing to trust means to fall To live for connections knowing they are never tangible Means to be as the twig, plant your roots but be ready to fly What the twig holds that roots do not, is the bud Roots may only become deeper where they stand Only through painful transplantation can they try to start again But the bud, upon a floating twig can start anew Wherever the wind may place it.

Knots

Fear, anger- that familiar knot in my gut The knot I'm hopeless to undo That burns and rubs against it's own fibers but never the satisfaction of a flame Words that don't exist choke up inside my throat My tongue begging for reprieve from my silent angst My body tugs at itself looking for escape My hands reach for something to fix, But what's been broken is intangible and unfixable To scream, to sing To build and move To be freed from my prison Ah, what sweet relief that would be Instead I fear I will sit here in my cell and continue to eat my poison because it's all there is to take One day however, after enough dreams toward peace I will breathe, and feel that knot release That breath will feel like the first To appreciate something so life giving That never existed in my world before.

I am

This is me, now who will I be I've struggled and fought, yet life was still handed to me I was dealt a crooked hand and have been what I am but now who will I be I have a right to passage That was handed to me but nothing else will be I take a stance wherever I stand Decisions or no, Fight or flow I still am who I am, and who I will be This is me and I know, like I know, like I know That I will decide who to be.

The Rain

The rain is black and soggy and my heart is drenched and dripping Flooding the lives of those I love I didn't mean to be this way I thought I was more More than a dark puddle of conciousness Weary and flat from my own attacks I thought I had more to offer but the rain had washed it away I held in my hands, the red, white and blue ideals but let them float away So I could reach my greatness my destiny, myself I didn't know myself, and what I see now is pain Unreached potential, unfulfilled dreams an unraised child looking for a home But I have no home, so I must build One stick, one brick, one stone at a time. And hope, that as I build, by the grace of god my home will not be washed away by the rain.

Anchor Down

 I am going to set my anchor. I will NOT be swept away any longer by the currents and tides created by the people in my life. It is my right to stand steady in my own waters. A day will come when storms will blow in for others, just as they have now for me. However this time I will not go diving in the raging waters heart first. I will wait steadily by there side, remaining a safe place to rest, not needing to be their lifeline. I must be sure I secure myself, because as I see it, the world is now encountering a storm of unseen proportions. We should each take heed of clouds brewing in our course. This is the time to create a safety net for our families; before the time of necessity hits. We may each find ourselves floating alone in our world, with nothing but our families. I will make sure mine can find safe shores. This is where I am setting my anchor.

Happy New Year, or Happy Today

Tomorrow is the beginning of another year. Because of this dramatic shift in time the country is now rushing to tally their numbers, set up their "New and Improved!" weight loss charts and people are buying up displays full of Nicorette gum to fulfill resolutions to do better this next year. Will we as a whole, or as individuals, awaken tomorrow with a renewed sense of hope? A feeling the clock has paused for that one magical second at midnight on New Year's Eve, and brought us relief from our past year? ... "This year will be different. I can start it all over. From this point forward I can be whatever it is I have always known myself to be." Because it's a new year? I'm sorry... but I think we're all adults here, so I can speak frankly. Bullshit. You know as well as I, that tomorrow morning will be like every other morning, only you're going to be tired from staying up, grumpy from having a few too many, and you'll be reaching for

TSA, ...Tsk, Tsk, Tsk

TSA...TSK, tsk tsk... Have we gone a little overboard? Just Maybe?? I am a 22 year old white female, never had a passport in my life, no arrests, no tickets, etc. Because the security level is at Orange (wtf does that mean?),  I am nearly missing my plane while TSA runs a little fabric covered wand through my bag, which is now dismantled on their table. Then they run that fabric through an expensive piece of machinery to see if I have any explosives..I don't, ok.  I can only bring two carry on items..my purse counts--though it never has before. I am now faced with merging two packed bags into one...at the same time lug around a 50lb. commercial stand mixer (which TSA had no problems with, except that I wasn't making chocolate chip cookies for them..lol). Anyway as I stand here in this damn airport, barefoot of course because my shoes might turn into a weapon as seen on James Bond, I realize that if i wanted to think hard about it I could come up with a dozen ways to take over a

On trusting liars

Growing up, we learn honesty will be rewarded, and the truth shall set you free...right?  I find that not everyone got this message as a child, or maybe just forgot as an adult...(maybe). "Your word" as well as mine doesn't mean a damn thing. We WANT to trust our friends, our partners and even the strangers we meet, but not many are trustworthy. There are very few people you can turn your back on and KNOW they will do right. In fact, so few, that I believe it isn't worth risking your own well being to trust them in the first place. I was asked once, why I allowed a person who is known to be an unabashed chronic liar, to be my friend...my answer..."I only trust him as far as I need to..." That is the key. It IS ok to trust, only so far as you are never putting anything important on the line to do so. No one who is trust worthy would ask you to put your well being on the line anyway. If we do choose to put ourselves out there, through a want or need of o

Lonliness

When you breath that sweet sigh of relief for the day being done, a realization takes place and the releif is replaced with an akward angst. You look around to see that you have no one to celebrate the day's accomplishments with. No one to listen to as they complain about their day's trials and tribulations. No one else's needs and wants to think about. No one to just sit quietly and enjoy the moment with.  Every minute of my life has been filled with the needs and expectations of others. Having someone else to think about, and partner up with on decisions. I've always had my kids around me 24/7 and now I sit alone for weeks on end. The contrast is deafening, and painful. There is a laundry list of reasons why being single, and having time for yourself is great...but nothing can compare to sharing your life with and living for the benefit of another. I don't believe we were ever meant to be alone.  We surround ourselves with our children, friends, extended family me

Benefits of Giving Up

I spent years building my home, piece by piece. I was just beginning to decorate it when a large well came up and washed it away. So completely even the foundation was invisible. I wandered and waded in the swamp that remained where my solid home had stood. I even dove under the dark cold waters to find the pieces and rebuild...but they were gone, washed away. I then began to scramble for a new home. Paddling against the currents looking for any space to hold onto and rebuild. I heard the voices around me telling me which way to swim and I was trying to listen but could not reach their voices, the currents were too strong. For a moment I thought I would drown. As with any near death experience, my life flashed before my eyes. I saw all I had done for it's reality, instead of how I wanted to see it. I cried. I cried for my losses, I cried for my wrongdoings, I cried for myself and my tears filled this swamp I had created until it became a river. Then... ...I finally gave up. I lay o

pop a f--king cork!

Alright, now who in the F-Ck said that it was "ok" to go around f-cking with how people feel. To try to play games with their head (I say try because you have to have a f-cking brain to accomplish this). Apparently I missed the grown-up class where they tell you that it's alright to say things you don't mean, to outright lie, to take someones world away from them and laugh about it. I missed the part that teaches others to have NO f-cking conscience, how to steal and not care, how to spit in someone's face or crush their insides. Why can't I just get it together and be the same way. Why is it so hard for me to get my way. people are always telling me how I am stubborn and always want my way..but for some reason I can't go to the same extreme lengths to get it as some, or most, others. f-ck it all. Not a god damn thing i can do about this sh-t anyway. Justice and fairness and morality is a f-cking JOKE. No one lives by these rules anymore, it's all

ok, I'm a flake

haha..."So, I've decided..." I am a flake..lol I come on here and say I am gonna start writing everyday. I say that often, yet I don't do it. I think a lot of people do that sort of thing. Intend on doing something and then never really get to doing it. How do we make that GiAnT Leap into action? I woke up last week, with the though "self-monitoring." The part of us that knows and recognizes ourselves and our actions objectively. I looked it up in my psychology book (thanks sis!) and didn't find it, but I did find "self-efficacy." Close enough I figured... Self-efficacy is the ability to believe in ourselves and take the necessary steps in order to achieve an intended result. It turns out, just by believing in ourselves, it makes us better at what we do. If I believe I will do well in my new job, because I am confident and possess the needed skills, then I will do well. If I do not believe I will do well, regardless of ability, I will not do as

Thanksgiving

We bitch and complain. We hope and wish. We change and improve. But how often do we truly look above our lives and smile with gratitude for all our blessings? We can never expect to gain more in life, if we don't appreciate what we have now. More may come. But without gratitude, our lives would be an empty shell of events and material possessions that will never satisfy; we will always be looking for more and better and bigger... I live in a small apartment. I have not a dime more than what's needed to pay bills. I have three kids and no help. I have had my heart broken, my dreams shattered and everything I own stolen from me..yet I am happy. I am grateful. I love my life, my kids, my apartment, even my bank balance. I am thankful for the chance to have my heart broken, because I have loved. I am thankful for the chance to have my dreams shattered, because my reality is far too beautiful to miss. Yes I am even thankful to have everything I own taken from me, because now what I

Is this your first?

Stranger: "Is this your first," staring at my round belly. Me: "No, third."...  Stranger: "Oh, my!" Every time someone asks it goes just like that I swear. I am not sure if I should take that as a compliment or an insult. Seems a bit rude to me...it's not "Oh, well congratulations!" or "Wow, are your other kids excited?" it's always "Oh, my!" and that's it... No congrats or well wishes, maybe a couple of "Good lucks" (gee thanks). I wish I knew what it was that made people respond like that. They act like I just said I have ten kids. The average American family has like 2.4 or something (.4 eventually turns into 3 ya know). Is it because I am young? Is it because I am not 300lbs.? Is it because I am no longer sporting a pretty ring on my finger? I feel they must think I am just some young unwed mother who doesn't know what causes my condition or can't remember to take the pill. (A few daring sou

Cereal: The New Human Chow

When did cereal become human chow? Like dog chow, it has become ok to feed this crap to our kids pretending it's a whole meal. You all remember those cereal commercials..."This part of a complete breakfast.."?? PART of a complete breakfast. Did you notice all the other good food sitting on the table around it? Now I understand in the hustle and bustle today we may not have time every morning to fix bacon, eggs and pancakes. I understand that maybe a couple times a week this could be a reasonable substitute for breakfast- accompanied by fruit or for christ's sake at least some fruit juice. But this cereal craze has taken over an entire meal- the most important one too! On top of that, I don't see parents giving their kids Total or Raisin Bran, where at least they would receive some fiber and vitamins..no it's more like "ahoy matey this is Capn' Crunch and my sugar covered ship looking to fill you full of refined flour and high fructose corn syrup."

Is there "One"?

It may be lonliness that spurs this question, it may be a true longing to know. Is there one out there for me? One true love that I am destined to find and be with? Logically I say no, and I do believe that answer. But that piece of my heart and being that desires to be loved wholly and completely wants to say yes. When you love someone so deeply and completely despite everything wrong about it how can you justify that to yourself? When you know it doesn't work, but it feels so right. It feels as though the cosmos has led you to the other and no matter what has happened between you, it still feels the same. How can I deny that there isn't a purpose for all of it, a calling to be with that other, come hell or high water. Of course, it is lonliness, or the fear of it, that leads to this dillusional state of heart. We want to be accepted so badly and to feel the love we know we deserve it can be easy to say to ourselves "Yes this is it." Even when the reality is only a s

Try to be positive!

Why is negativity so appealing? It captures our attention like nothing else, and is the inspiration for so many of our actions. I can list right now over 50 words associated with negative emotions but damned if I can come up with more than 10 or 15 positive ones. Try, it's tough. It would be ok if we expressed more positive emotions despite having fewer of them, but we don't. People show their irritation, anger, sorrow and grief much more readily than they will show their gratitude, joy and happiness. Ok, yes, most people will smile and be polite before they will be rude and flippant, but I am talking about real emotions here not our everyday show face. Are we afraid? Afraid that if we speak of the joy we are experiencing and express it, that it will disappear? Afraid we will seem boastful or unempathetic to the woes of our friends? Maybe some feel they have no right to truly feel happy, they haven't really earned it. Whatever it is, it's certainly not contributing to